And Yet, I’m Still Single

In the dating life, I figure I already have three strikes against me.
One, I’m a large woman. I am a big girl. In high school I wisely figured out by 12th grade that I would probably, not without a LOT of help, never be a skinny girl. By the time I made it to 24, I knew that I had passed the mark for the new term “thick” also.
I’m just a big woman…That’s my one.
Two, I’m a single mother. My daughter’s father and I divorced about 8 years ago (we’d been married for 5 years). So, not only am I a single mother, I’m a divorced-single mother.
And three, I have morals I like to adhere to.
Those three things are basically, I feel, strikes against me where dating is concerned.
Being a large, single-divorced lady with good morals makes dudes wanna bop me, but not hold on to me. They’re as happy as pigs in sh*t to screw me, if I’d let them, but that’s about as far as guys wanna go with me.
At first, I used to think that I just gravitated towards dudes like that.
I mean, since that’s what I always attracted — dudes who wanted to spend only as much time as it took to knock around in me then go — apparently, there must be something wrong with me…something I was doing to attracted those types of guys.
So, I stopped going out. I stopped trying to attract any guy at all. And if one seemed to be interested in me, I’d see where his head was at and then go from there. Which usually was nowhere because they all just wanted to screw (or screw and have me take care of him in some kind of way… “lend” him money, buy him some food for his crib, can I spare $20 for gas till I get paid, etc…). Well, that gets old, tiring, and boring really quickly.
And if the above situation didn’t happen, then the dude just wanted to get with me because I’m a “Big beautiful woman”, or dude is “into big women” or dude is a “chubby chaser” (which is a very hurtful phrase, by the way), or “I like big women and I cannot lie.” But, it was always only under cover of night when we couldn’t be seen or recognized. And dude would always stress to me that he “liked to be discreet.”
Yeah, I knew what that meant.
So, I date no longer. I don’t go out either, although I never really was a club-hopper to begin with. And I just sit around and wonder what I’ve got to do differently in order to pull a good, decent, real, honest guy and where is he gonna come from.
I pray on it sometime, but I haven’t heard a word from the Lord on the subject of my mate, so I’m almost beginning to believe that maybe there is such a thing as a generational curse. LOL (I’m only half-joking.)
Out of the women in my immediate family, only one aunt has a husband. My other aunties are single with grown daughters, some of them who are single with children themselves.
My grandmother passed away with no husband, boyfriend, significant other; and so did my mother, who believed that she was God’s girl and that was good enough for her.
Maybe she was right. Maybe I’m here to do something other than be a helpmeet to a man. I just wish I knew what that other something was.
(I had something else in mind when I started writing this blog, but then these other thoughts just took over. LOL)
Sometimes, I can’t help but sit around and feel sorry for myself because of my singlehood state. It’s sometimes embarrassing to me that at my age I have no significant other. And then, at other times, it’s a relief that I haven’t got anyone to worry about in that regard.
And of course, I can’t help but think: Is THAT the reason I have no one? Is it because I can’t be sure of what I want that I am still single?
Is it because of my daughter (because she’s a girl; because of her age; because I only have a two-bedroom house; etc…) that I’m still single?
How much does my weight have to do with my singleness?
And, really? Me having strong morals offends dudes to the point that they don’t wanna be with me?
Or, and this is the most often asked question: Does God just want me to be alone? Am I just destined to live this life the way I’m going? Handling EVERYone of life’s blows by myself and alone with no significant other to tell me, even lie to me, that everything’s going to be alright?
Despite the facts that I have a good job, drive my own car, own my own house, pay my own bills, wash my own clothes, make my own money, and buy my own sh*t, I’m STILL single.
I’m pretty, confident, clean, AND emotionally stable….All the things guys say they want in a woman and yet, I’m still single!
WHY??
~L~

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