Christmas means love, but at the moment, I don’t feel so loving.
I feel alone, lonely, despondent, and unwanted.
I am a Christian woman. I love the Lord, and I know and accept His love for me; but, let me be honest and say that it sometimes is very hard to remember that I’m so loved when I wake up alone and unheld by physical hands EVERY morning.
Lord, I know that you are more important than any man, or any ONE, could ever be, but I am so tired of being physically alone for EVERY holiday, major event and DAY of my life.
Do you think it’s wrong to tell God things like this; to express your displeasure at physical things you’re missing while also expressing the fact that you understand that God is ALL?
Somewhere in the Bible, I’m sure it says that it’s okay to tell God how you feel, as long as while you’re doing this, you remember to praise Him for what He has done, is doing, and is going to do for you.
Look at the book of Lamentations. That whole book is about the author crying because God allowed the city of Jerusalem to be destroyed. But, at the end of his lamenting, the author remember to give God the glory and to pray for mercy.
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 2:17
“You, O Lord, reign forever…” Lamentations 5:19(a)
So, I’m saying, I think it’s okay to let the Lord know what your gripe is about, but remember to give Him the praise and glory while you’re doing so.
Anyway, back to the start of what I was saying:
Christmas means love, but I’m not feeling it.
I don’t wanna hang out with my own family because there is a tinge of jealously there. God forgive me my enviousness…, but I see my auntie and her husband and her children and, at this time of year, it just pains me to be around them.
I have a daughter, and Lord knows I love her to distraction and to death, but she can only hug me so much. She can only give me so much love…and I still feel that I’m missing out.
I haven’t had that “love”…that eros love…in a really long time. I can’t even claim I ever really had it when I was married. I loved my husband, but it was not with the love a woman and a man should have for each other. I loved him for his companionship and his company, but I didn’t like the dude very much. I STILL love him, but it’s more of a sisterly-type of love. And he’s remarried and I’m kinda jealous of him, too, because of that, and I don’t wanna hang out with him either.
This year is even harder for me because I’m still missing my mama, and she would always make me feel a little bit better about being single during this time of year.
I never understood women who say they “enjoy” being single. I’ve ALWAYS hated being single. Even though, I enjoy not having to answer to anyone when I get ready to do anything, I still so dislike not having to. I don’t like being single.
I hate being single at ANY time of the year.
“I am not meant to live alone…turn this house into a home…”
“What do the lonely do at Christmas time……”