Just DON’T Do It…YET

I know that I talk about my failed marriage often, but really, it’s about the only grown-up experience I’ve had that I actually learned from. LOL (Not really, but really :-/)

I got married, as you probably already know, when I was a good and fresh 20 year old woman-child. I had just left home for the first (and only) time to go to Lamar University-Beaumont at the age of 18. Thought I was grown. Dodged one potentially abusive relationship after dude almost tried to choke me to death because I wasn’t sure that I was destined to be HIS wife. And ended up meeting the now-ex husband at the church the ex-boyfriend introduced me to.

The problem started when we both (the now-ex and I) realized that we didn’t really like each other, which was very soon after we’d met. We rode the church van together and we could barely stand to be around each other. What made me wanna get with this dude that I didn’t like and who didn’t like me, either? I don’t really know. “I was young” sounds like a great answer, but it is really just a dumb excuse. We were just around each other very often: church on Sunday, Bible-study on Wednesday, Choir/Usher practice on Saturday. We were just around each other and regardless of the fact that we kinda didn’t like each other, we sorta got to know one another.

(It wasn’t until after I was married to him that I found out that he and his li’l cousin had a bet that dude could even date me.)

He pursued me. He asked me on a date and when I told him that I had to babysit my little cousins, he told me to bring them along. (Point one for the big guy!) We went to the movies and to eat at what used to be The Red Rooster (now Fuddruckers). He was presentable. He was nice. And even though I’m sure it was on his mind, he didn’t once mention sex. (1,000 points for the big guy!)
{Although he did try to feel me up once in the darkness of the theater, but I shut that down and he didn’t try again.}

Fast forward through 8 months of dating and stuff and let me tell you: At 20, my stupid self wanted only to upset my momma something terrible. She couldn’t stand the boyfriend. She called him names to his face AND behind his back. To me in my face like dude was nothing but garbage that I shoulda been put out. She found out that we were living together (in MY house) and she got even worse with it. She just couldn’t stand him. She didn’t give him any kind of respect, no semi-respect, no nothing. She made it plain that she didn’t like him at all. I think if she’d have just given him half a chance, I would’ve moved on from him without a backward glance rather than to marry him at the first “logical” chance I could come up with.

But, because she wouldn’t and would berate me for having anything to do with him, my selfish, retarded self decided I’d make him a part of her life on a permanent basis. I claimed that it was because we were already living together, having sex, and going to church like a married couple, we should just go ahead and make it official. (NO, I was NOT pregnant when we got married. That didn’t happen until 3 yrs into the marriage, thank you very much.) I used the excuse that since neither of us was ready to move on, he wasn’t going to quit me, and I wasn’t ready to quit him, we should just get married.

Let me tell you: When you’re arguing on your WEDDING DAY about GETTING MARRIED, turn around and go home, one of y’all pack a bag and move the hell out…..YOU. ARE. NOT. READY. YET.

But, of course, that’s not what we did, even though we were arguing on our wedding day about getting married minutes, SECONDS before the JP judge walked in to marry us. What we did was stand there before that judge, and God, and dude’s momma, and tell ourselves and each other that we were gonna love each other forever, blah, blah, blah…….

And we STILL didn’t even LIKE each other!!!

That marriage pissed my momma off something terrible though. So, I guess on that front, I was happy.

But, I wasn’t………………………………..

We struggled in that marriage, even bringing a baby into the world, for 5 years…..long ass years, let me tell you. We could count on our hands the number of GOOD times we had together (not EACH of us count, ONE of us count at ONE time on ONE hand…..) in the whole 5 years we were together.

And then, he left me for another woman. And the only reason I was mad about it was because him leaving me for another woman hurt my pride and ego.

Remember the saying, “Pride goeth before the fall?”

I hit the bottom of that fall SO HARD, I broke my proverbial tail bone!
And then it took me an extra 2 years before I could afford to actually get divorced from him. (Which I did myself….Need a lawyer? LOL) Seven years we stayed shackled to each other, even though the last two years he enjoyed his shacklement (yeah, I made that word up) in the arms of another woman.

During those 2 years, I REFUSED to work on myself. I REFUSED to look inward and see what was wrong with me. I didn’t DENY that something was wrong, I just didn’t want to know what it was. I blamed the whole failing on him. I didn’t share in any of that blame. Until the 4th year.

After the first 2 years, I admitted that I needed to check myself and I did. I realized that first and foremost, we were both too young and immature to be making such a deep, mature decision. Too young and too immature. “But, we was tryna be grown.” haha

In the end, I just came to say this: Marriage is a HUGE step. Deciding to pursue that sort of commitment to another person, and to yourself, takes a clear head. It takes extraordinary maturity. It takes some deep soul searching. And it takes a great amount of self-honesty.

When I made the decision to get married at 20 years old, I had none of those things. I didn’t even WANT those things yet.

Now, 15 years later, I’m still sometimes confused about what I want in my life, but I know that I’ll always be honest about it to myself before trying to tell someone else what’s up.

At ANY age, if you’re telling yourself you “think” you wanna get married, or settle down, I just wanna urge you to PLEASE think about it some more. Think about if you’re really ready yet. Cuz, I can almost assure you, if you’re saying “I think” … YOU. ARE. NOT. READY. ………………….. YET.


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