A whole year later and I still question things.
I still wonder: “Did I accept the situation as “God’s will” too soon?” “Did I not think on things hard enough?” “Did I not pray hard enough?” “Did I give up too quickly, to easily?” “Is my faith in God enough? Is it real?”
July 3rd, today, will mark the one year anniversary of the day that actually changed my life.
This is the day that my brother sent me a life altering text message that said my mother was in dire physical health straits. His text told me that my mom was in the hospital on life support in Arizona. (I live in Texas. He lives in North Carolina.)
That day was the first time I’d ever taken a long distance trip anywhere. (And I’ll be fine if I never take another one) And, in order to stay sane and functioning, I did not dwell on what would be awaiting me at my final destination during the trip there.
Was I wrong for that? ………
I can’t convince myself either way…yes or no.
When I did get to AZ on July 4, in the afternoon, nothing about the holiday registered in my mind. I only knew that it was a Sunday afternoon and my mother was lying in a hospital bed, depending on a machine to breathe for her, almost 2,000 miles away from all the people who loved her more than she realized.
I cried so hard. I didn’t know I COULD cry that hard anymore. I prayed for God to restore His angel. And barring that, I prayed for Him to accept her spirit into His bosom and to make it easier for me to accept looking at and touching the angel’s physical shell, knowing that her spirit was already at rest in Jesus.
Did I give up too early? Did I release her too soon, without a “fight”? Did I “let God have His way”? ……..
I can’t convince myself either way…. yes or no.
All I am able to convince myself of is the fact that no matter what, there is a HUGE, GAPING HOLE in my life that nothing but God can fill, and somehow, I keep blocking His efforts to do so.
Does that make sense? ….
I can’t convince myself either way… yes or no.
I drive around with my mom’s ashes in the trunk of my car. Why? Am I not ready to separate myself from her permanently like that yet? I don’t think that’s the reason I haven’t made it to the graveyard, next to my grandmother’s grave, where I’ll finally place her urn….. But I can’t convince myself either way… yes or no. (I’ve had plenty of opportunity, I just haven’t really tried yet.)
I don’t know what I’m going to do for the 4th, except pray to God that He helps me to keep it together another year. July 9 will mark the official day that I lost my mother. And every time I think about it……I have to force myself to think of something else.