Disclaimer: this blog is extremely personal today.
When I was a kid, we used to say “stick and stone can break our bones, but words can never hurt me.”
But that was a false statement.
For me, in these last 5 months, I’ve realized that WHO says WHAT to you can make those words just as harmful as sticks and stones.
You should never have to be afraid of expressing yourself and telling people how and what you feel, but you should always take into account the words you are about to use. While you might not ever MEAN to be intentionally hurtful, your words to someone you love and/or who loves you have the potential to permanently damage that person’s psyche. I never thought that I would be so affected by what ANYBODY said to me, until someone who I genuinely care for said things in a fit of anger.
Second-guessing myself now about any, and maybe all, decisions I’ve made over the past 5 months because of the things I had said to me on ONE NIGHT makes me feel ridiculous and stupid. I feel worthless and I really wish we could go back re-wind and re-take that ONE moment.
I wish we could take it all back, but we can’t. And I don’t know how to make THOSE words mesh with THESE words.
I used to think that I was absolutely so confident in myself that no one could say anything to or about me to make me question myself.
But, being called such disrespectful names in a fit of rage, because of some perceived rejection, changed my mind.
And I’m stuck with trying to make sense of it all. I know that if I were to try to move on, I would only be pretending, or only half-moved on at best. That night will forever be etched into my mind.
Everything about that particular wknd will haunt me forever. Although I’m now sure that I did SOMETHING to trigger the anger and rage that spewed such hatred, I still don’t think it was worth all that.
And I can’t move on.
Does that make me a coward?
Does that make me a smart person?
What steps does one take to begin to put the pieces of her shattered soul back together when really all she wants to do is just crawl into a ball and stop moving……………………………..
(Told y’all it was extremely personal…)