Normally, I usually post my OPINIONS on how relationships go and shyt….
These last two posts have been/are very personal for me. Personal because it’s been MY relationship that I have an opinion on. You guys probably don’t remember but I used to say all the time (before March 2012) that I’d much rather NOT be in a relationship. Since I’ve been there, done that, and have proof to prove it, I’d just rather not go there again.
Relationships are A LOT of work!
Whew…I’ll say it again: Relationships are A LOT of work.
You have to be concerned with someone else’s feelings; their thoughts and concerns; their ins and outs of life; their opinions and cares about you, life, themselves, how they feel about the weather and watching TV and drawing within in the lines and cutting in a straight line.
You have to be concerned with how they interact with sarcasm, for goodness sakes!!!!!
Jeez! That should be enough to deter ANYONE from ever wanting to attempt to be in a relationship with another human being in life.
But, maybe that’s just me….Please God, let that just be me…because otherwise we’d have a lot of out of wedlock chill’uns running ’round heah. ((LOL))
Anyway, back to MY relationship.
Yeah, that’s over. And the reason it ended was very, very unnecessary and the process in which it ended was too painful for me to wanna deal with ever again. I don’t understand how people keep trying after hurting so much the first time; or the second time; or the eighth time…or whatever.
But, I learned that someone’s guilt prevented us from being adults and reduced us to teenage children with axes to grind for no particular reason.
But, now that the relationship is over (And yes, I know it’s over. There’s no going back to break up all over again for me, no thank you.), I have to evaluate my feelings now AND then. I know how I feel now (mostly confused and just want to get it out of my system), but I’m considering mostly how I felt THEN. Did I really feel as ALL IN as I thought I felt. I’m inclined to say Yes, I was….and if my confused feeling of this afternoon be any indication, I’m still inclined to say Yes, I was………..but there’s a small doubt.
Why is the doubt there? Well, to me (one who PURPOSELY withheld being in a relationship for 12 yrs) it seems strange that I’d be ready to move on with some semblance of my life after only one month of grief and crying and anger and upset and whatever other feelings and emotions I’ve experienced in just that one month’s time.
Okay, August 1st brought about a whole range of shyt I’d really rather not categorize except to say it was a whole range of emotions I’m quite unfamiliar with. Good, that said, I’ll move on.
August was one of the toughest months I’ve had to endure since my mom died in July 2010. Yep. I think I cried more in the month of August 2012 then I did in all of July 2010 and I cried a bunch that year. LOL
Anyway, I’m concerned with the fact that I’m ready to move on NOW. I mean, the feelings I had for him are still there (sure), and missing him is still there (sure), but I’m ready to just GET OVER IT ALL READY!
Only, I don’t know how!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Anybody know how I can just get over this?
I think that I would much rather fall back into the way life was going for me before March 2012 came along. But, I look back and think “Wow, I was pretty lonely back then. I don’t really wanna be LONELY. But then too, I don’t want to put myself back in this particular position again. So, what do I do?”
I really am just rambling in this blog. I didn’t think it out very much. I just started typing.
I really don’t want to go into whatever kind of NEXT “relationship” I might get into with the thought of what HE did last time. Or what I might have done to push him to do what he did last time. I really don’t want to be one of those chicks who says “all men are the same.”
So, why am I ready to just move on so….SOON? Or, could this be just one of the processes of “getting over it?”
How do people go through this over and over and over and over and over……………….again?
That’s it for now.
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