Reflecting….

bluemirror

It did not take me physically experiencing the violence to know that the violence was real and could get extreme.

First there was the threat to my life in the form of him threatening to put the car in PARK as the car flew down I-10 doing about 75-80 mph as we argued IN the car on our way to take him back home…a couple of times did that threat come out.
During that same ride, I was threatened with getting punched in my eff’n mouth if I didn’t STFU….while I was driving.

(Ultimately, I believe that the only TRUE thing that stopped either of those threats from coming to fruition was the fact that I was led to pull the car over myself, and a Jefferson County Sheriff’s officer pulled over on the side of us while we were talking and told us to get a move on–as safely as possible. After the officer’s stop, there were no more threats that evening.)

As far as him putting the car in PARK while it was moving, I had no doubt he WOULD do such a thing: he had previously demonstrated this while we were still on the city streets as I cruised to a stop at a stop sign. The sudden jerk from drive to complete stop scared the crap outta me, believe me…………I had no wants to try that at ultimate speed, no.

And for whatever reason, I  wanted to be with him; so we tried again.

The next month, I thought we were pretty cool until the next big fight which had me literally up in a corner. As I pushed him away from me, he backed into his little boy, who was there to witness this ratchedness, and the little boy fell down. I was rewarded with my own retaliation push into the side of my house.

Knowing there was no way I could fight him, I sat down on the floor of the front porch where he decided to sit in a chair, look me in the eye and threaten to beat me “to death” if I didn’t get my ass up and back into that house. I was prepared and told him that I guessed I was gonna die that night, then.

All because he wouldn’t let me leave an argument that I could and HE could (which is most important) see was quickly escalating out of control.

(Please know that the best alternative to an argument that’s getting more and more out of control is just to leave the scene. One of you MUST walk away before things get even uglier than the words you are spitting at each other. SPLIT SECOND DECISIONS CANNOT BE TAKEN BACK!)

Since he had previously admitted to me to having spent time in jail for (what he says was) simply slapping a chick, I knew that his propensity to beating me could get quite high. I wanted no parts of that either.

And yet, I STILL wanted to be with him and I trusted him to NOT hit me. Honestly, it wasn’t something I was even afraid that he would do at the time. I knew that he COULD, but that he WOULD, was not something I seriously contemplated…at all.

Until about 3 nights later when he became so irate, and full of beers and some alcohol, and began to beat me verbally. He disrespected me with his words and intimidated me so much with his size and anger, I was quite scared to open my mouth to defend MYSELF verbally … in my OWN FREAKING HOUSE!!

I have never….NEVER…been so afraid of a man in MY. LIFE.

It was not a feeling I was used to. It is definitely NOT a feeling I WANT to get used to.

This time, while I did still want him, I did not want to be WITH him any longer.

It takes a whole lotta courage to take a step that is in your best interest when you are afraid of the circumstances that surround the step you need to take.

Luckily, even though he wished death on me and everyone in my house, he went as quietly as he could without any actual physical abuse to my person. The mental abuse is taking a while (much longer than I actually thought it would, really) to heal and I didn’t think it would have taken a toll on me as it did.

But, I look back NOW and can identify the fact that he’d been wearing me down from the start.
While he would compliment me on my brain and beauty, his subtle hints at how he really felt about me started insulting way before his first outright name calling tirade.

To criticize me while you are “praising” me starts to not work once I start to catch onto what you are doing.

What I am really trying to say is it is OK to want something that might not be good for you, but once you come to terms with the fact that what you want is certainly not what is in your best interest is it OK, again, to admit you don’t actually NEED it anymore. And are free to leave it behind.

You may have made a mistake in wanting it, and/or going after it, and/or getting it, but don’t let the mistake lead you somewhere you have no desires to go.

Believe me when I tell you…..SPLIT SECOND DECISIONS CANNOT BE TAKEN BACK!

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