I Want What I Want

wantwhat1I admit, I’m not very good on keeping my blog up to date…or with good topics.

But, I do what I can and I hope you guys, you who are reading these, stay pretty entertained. Let’s get into today’s blog.

I am no relationship expert. And this certainly is NOT even relationship advice.

But, I do have something to say on the relationship subject tonight.

I found something out about myself in this last year and a half (since the “boyfriend debacle”).
I have discovered that I am not a spoiled chick where relationships and relations are concerned, and I don’t mind not being a spoiled chick where relationships and relations are concerned.

I have discovered that I don’t mind not getting what I want…

As long as it is not my obligation to be giving some guy what HE wants in the meantime.

I have discovered that where relationships are concerned, I am very very selfish. And, apparently, I have very low patience and am quite mean.
And I am quite OKAY with that.

The problem, and it IS a problem, that I see myself having is that I don’t want to HAVE to continuously be conscious and aware of someone else’s feelings if it means I have to put my own feelings behind me, or second…even if for just a little while.

I don’t want to be responsible for lifting someone’s esteem, hurting their feelings, or pumping their ego.

Me, myself…I don’t need someone else to validate me, tell me how I should be feeling about myself, or trying to pump me up. My self-esteem and ego are solid.

I like me. I like me a lot. I like me and I am I not conceited.

BUT, when I want something, I want THAT something. I don’t want “something LIKE” that something.

And, I have learned that this is a problem in the relationship arena.

I’ll explain it like this (cuz I’m a fatty and food comes to mind naturally…LOL):
Pecan Praline vs. Butter Pecan ice creams.

I WANT Pecan Praline ice cream.
I want the crunch of the praline, the salty of the pecan, the sweet of the caramel, and the smooth of the vanilla ice cream. I want ALL of that in the ice cream.

If I send you out with the SPECIFIC instructions of getting Pecan Praline ice cream, don’t come back with some ol’ Buttered Pecan talking about “it’s got the crunchy and salty of the pecan and the sweet and smooth of the vanilla ice cream. It’s the same thing.”

Noooooo…..It’s NOT the same thing. If it were the same thing, there would not be two different kinds with two different names!!
If they didn’t have the Pecan Praline and you didn’t check with me to see if I wanted Buttered Pecan then you just compromised for me on some ish I didn’t ask for because it was kinda like what I’d asked for. You just figured FOR ME that I’d be cool with it, cuz I sent you out to get it for me.

Um…NOT.

Now, if I hadn’t have been specific with my request, we probably could get along fine with that. But, I WAS specific and Buttered Pecan ain’t what I asked for. Now you’re upset because I’m mad that I didn’t get what I wanted. And I’m mad because you couldn’t/wouldn’t give me what I’d asked for. And I don’t want to compromise without knowing if I even had the chance to get what I wanted to begin with.

I don’t want to compromise on what I want.

And that’s how it is in relationships for me. I don’t want to compromise on getting what I want from a guy without knowing if there was ever a chance of getting exactly what I wanted from him to begin with.
So, instead, I won’t take the chance to ask for anything and make do with just myself.

Because for me, many times, I’m saying exactly what I am requiring, but dude’s not listening completely and only picks and chooses that which he heard and can try to give me. That’s not good enough for me.

For a guy to get where I’m coming from, let’s say dude sends ME to the store for a soda, chips, and a piece of candy. Only, he doesn’t say that. He says, “I want a Dr. Pepper, a bag of Hot Funyuns, and a Snickers.” And I bring him back a Mr. Pibbs, a bag of Lays Original Potato Chips, and a Mars bar.

Yes, essentially, I got what he asked for: a soda, chips, and candy. But, it’s not what he wanted. And he walking around with an attitude because he was really expecting that comfort food from me. Dude’s mad as hell because he CAN’T STAND Lays Potato chip brand AT ALL, he HATES Mr. Pibbs, and he believes a Mars bar is for chicks who don’t like nuts!

The thing that’s wrong with this scenario is in dude’s case, he believes he has the right to be angry with me because HE specifically said what he wanted. He expected me to bring him back exactly what he wanted. In MY case, he thinks I’m overreacting by being upset because he was close enough to what I’d asked for.

If a girl tells a guy that she’s looking to be #1 in his life, even before his mom/grandma/sisters/job/whatever, and dude hears her but can’t deliver, he should make sure up front that she understands that he can’t deliver exactly that, but will try to get as close to that as he can BEFORE feelings of resentment set it.

What else can anybody do when they have laid out the plans for what they want to the person they want it from and the person they want it from knew from the beginning that s/he could not deliver exactly that, but failed to tell them upfront BUT get mad?

That’s where I am with relationships right now.
I want a Coca-Cola, but I keep getting offered Coke-like products (and we all know “there’s nothing like the real thing”) while being expected to deliver Coca-Cola on the spot.

I’m stubborn and feel like I’m completely capable of delivering to myself the Coca-Cola Coke that I REALLY want without having to cajole someone into giving it to me only to wind up with a sorry substitute.

So, why don’t I just give it to myself and not be as disappointed?

I’m selfish in that even though I know I am capable of giving that same Coca-Cola quality experience to someone else, I don’t WANT to share my Coke, because I know there will be none forthcoming from him.

Am I wrong? Probably, but I don’t want to run the risk–again–of finding out that I am not.
(There’s way too much pain in that.)

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